Click to go back to the joke page"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and
come help me."
- Bob Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find
Kuwait."
- A. Whitney Brown
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up,
take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for
money."
- Kevin Meaney
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
- Michael McShane
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to
our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carrey
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what
was that
last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying
to outsmart everybody?"
- Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her
off
the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim.' "
- Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running
the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your
headache."
- Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking
three."
- Elayne Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself."
- Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
- Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I
just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
- Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only
play with each other."
- Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
- Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home
Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
- Bruce Baum
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you
should never date a
baseball player."
- Marsha Warfield
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that
makes him the
dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
- Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay,
then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he
took me aside and left me there."
- Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else."
- Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing:
'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
- Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At
least, that's what he told us in the letter."
- Drew Carey
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it.
They're just rubbing it in."
- Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
- Bill Maher
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
- Jay Mohr
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed
together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
- Christopher Case
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if
you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's
such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have
photographs of her."
- Ellen DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of >four people
make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti
sauce....I thought he was missing."
- Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an
apology."
- Jay Leno
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far
away."
- Billiam Coronell
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never
find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why
would I want someone like you?' "
- Larry Miller
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow
was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
- Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
- Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
- Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty
impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to
fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's
go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here'"
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and
I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
- Steven Wright
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
- Marilyn Pittman
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
- Johnny Carson
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
- John Mendoza
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes.
They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
- Bruce Baum
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
- Steven Wright
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair
was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot.
I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me
just a little bit?"
- Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like
phone calls before six in the morning."
- Richard Lewis
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up
really fast."
- Johnathan Katz
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to
us we're schizophrenic?"
- Lily Tomlin
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family
knew someone in the Royal family?"
- Robin Williams
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's
final word on where your lips end."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee,
I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
"
- Richard Jeni
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of
the fire for the evening in two minutes."
- Steven Wright
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'
"
- Emo Phillips
Have you ever noticed....Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms
instead.
- Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it
with naked fat people.
- Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at
the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in
otherwise.
- Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for
seventy-five cents.
- Billiam Coronel
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space
Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of
its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of about $241 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with
the same problem, used a pencil.
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
----------------------------
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will
choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
- Dave Barry
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On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
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Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat
myself.
- Mark Twain