Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot:

10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this

gizmo do?"

9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up

8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap

6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars

observer!"

4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform

3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who

drove your cab to the airport

1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

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Signs Your Airline Attendant is About Ready to Retire

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17> Always grumbling about how things were much simpler when Orville

and Wilbur ran the business.

16> For dinner, asks, "Ya want the white crap or the yellow crap?"

15> When pointing to the emergency exits, uses nothin' but her

middle finger.

14> Occasionally tries to prop-start a 747.

13> Insists on showing you pictures of her prom date with Bob Dole.

12> Loudly refers to pilot and co-pilot as "Opie" and "The Beav."

11> At the security checkpoint, her hip sets off the metal detector.

10> Replaces in-flight movie with racy story about how he and Amelia

Earhart founded the Mile High Club.

9> As passengers deplane, forgets to say "bye" and just stands there

saying "buh... buh... buh... buh... buh... buh..."

8> No matter what you order, she serves up a nice warm glass of

Bosco.

7> After demonstrating the oxygen mask, needs to keep it on.

6> Matches entire business class shot for shot.

5> Uses false teeth to prevent the food cart from rolling down the

aisle.

4> Breaks wind so forcefully that the oxygen masks drop.

3> Requests that passengers refrain from using electronic devices

such as Wurlitzers, Victrolas, and telegraphs.

2> Excitedly announces that the in-flight movie will be a "talkie."

1> Keeps getting lost on the way to the cockpit.

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The ABSOLUTE WORST Things To Say To A Police Officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good

job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be

a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's

nightstand.

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a

warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other

car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained

specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell

off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,

forcing me to speed out of control.