THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
   -------------------------
  AGE                 DRINK
  17                  Wine Coolers
  25                  White wine
  35                  Red wine
  48                  Dom Perignon
  66                  Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

  EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
  17                  Need to wash my hair
  25                  Need to wash and condition my hair
  35                  Need to color my hair
  48                  Need to have Francois color my hair
  66                  Need to have Francois color my wig

  FAVORITE SPORT
  17                  shopping
  25                  shopping
  35                  shopping
  48                  shopping
  66                  shopping

  DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
  17                  "Burger King"
  25                  "Free meal"
  35                  "A diamond"
  48                  "A bigger diamond"
  66                  "Home Alone"

  FAVORITE FANTASY
  17                  tall, dark and handsome
  25                  tall, dark and handsome with money
  35                  tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
  48                  a man with hair
  66                  a man

  HOUSE PET
  17                  Muffy the cat
  25                  Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
  35                  Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
  48                  Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
  66                  Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy
                         the cat

  WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
  17                  17
  25                  25
  35                  35
  48                  48
  66                  66


  IDEAL DATE
  17                  He offers to pay
  25                  He pays
  35                  He cooks breakfast the next morning
  48                  He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
  66                  He can chew breakfast



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  THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

  AGE                 DRINK
  17                  beer
  25                  vodka
  35                  scotch
  48                  double scotch
  66                  Maalox

  SEDUCTION LINE
  17                  My parents are away for the weekend.
  25                  My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
  35                  My fiancee is away for the weekend.
  48                  My wife is away for the weekend.
  66                  My second wife is dead.

  FAVORITE SPORT
  17                  sex
  25                  sex
  35                  sex
  48                  sex
  66                  napping

  DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
  17                  "tongue"
  25                  "breakfast"
  35                  "She didn't set back my therapy."
  48                  "I didn't have to meet her kids."
  66                  "Got home alive."

  FAVORITE FANTASY
  17                  getting to third
  25                  airplane sex
  35                  menage a trois
  48                  taking the company public
  66                  Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

  HOUSE PET
  17                  roaches
  25                  stoned-out college roommate
  35                  Irish setter
  48                  children from his first marriage
  66                  Barbi

  WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
  17                  25
  25                  35
  35                  48
  48                  66
  66                  17

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