Click to go back to the joke pageWorth Reading Again....check out the top 10 at the end
Actual article from the LA Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to
retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit
of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted
for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed
a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped, Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained.
"As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I
tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and
struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The
match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting
Mr.Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur
and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil,
while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal
tract.
Editor's Notes:
Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
9. "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.)
8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the
guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky &
Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just
guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the
emergency
room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving,
pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal
lighter
fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking
at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this
cardboard tube..."
4. "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a
healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in
the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I
am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.