Click to go back to the joke pageOne Liners-
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere
near the place.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
coffee table. They couldn’t help me.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an
only child.....eventually.
For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song
on the radio, I think “Hey, maybe I wrote that.
I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly)...and says, “Here. You can go.”
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t sell me anything specific.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen
some of it.
My school colors were clear.
My girl friend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how
and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said,
“No.”
She said, “Okay. Forget it.”
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to
be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there.
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people above me are
furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is. It’s always room
temperature.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, “No
thanks. I’m not going that far.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell
me about some of the people who were here last year.”
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Blonde Joke
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I
would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't
sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then
came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized
me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut
and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, returned to the store and
says "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,"
he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Which is the Better Invention
------------------------------------
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford,
'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed
the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in
heaven.'
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam,
the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of
woman?'
Adam says: 'Yes.'
'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.'
'Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial
computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer
prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It
may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar
computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
ADVERTISING
On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van-Cincinnati area
"A flush beats a full house!"
- Laura Engelman
I have a neighbor, a urologist, with his license plate
"NOPCME" (no
p c me)
- Tom Roberts
Actually seen hanging in a gas station several years ago:
Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite.
If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.
(If you don't get it, repeat it slowly)
- Dennis Eshelman
Advertisement for a radiator repair shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak".
- Jerry Warner
In the key west internationl airport's souvenier store
"unattended children will be sold into slavery"
- Eric D
In the bathroom of a mom and pop store
"we aim to please, so, please, you aim too."
- Brad Henderson
Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI:
PUSH, if it doesn't open,
PULL, if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.