Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. ...Good.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she didn't give a damn.

They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then marry him).

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.